10 Tight Reasons You Need Our Shamelessly Plugged Book, Cautionary Tales
1. Blocks nuclear radiation better than almost any other book with less pages
You’re reading Cautionary Tales: Often hilarious, sometimes disgusting, and always ridiculous average joe stories. If you enjoy it, please subscribe (free!) and share with friends — it’s the only way to get the word out.
Don’t give up hope! More free stories are on the way real soon. We’ve been kinda busy working on this book, but next week the tales will resume.
Until then, here are 10 tight reasons you need a copy of Cautionary Tales in your life.
1. Blocks Nuclear Radiation
Not only is it stylish, but it can block harmful gamma, beta and sci-fi rays. To get this effect, we used only the finest lead paint in the cover and the ink. We’ve been told the lead gives it a nice color, too.
How to use it:
In the event of a nuclear blast, bend down low, hold the book in front of you like a tiny shield, and kiss your ass goodbye.
2. Cautionary Tales Can Double as Emergency Poo Paper
This book can double as bathroom tissue. From the world-famous Tim Vinge review:
“In the trades, or any profession for that matter, finding ways of making the day a little bit more enjoyable is often a necessity. On the job, one of the things that help keep us smiling is the collection of funny stories that we tell each other at break time or lunch. Somehow, the embellishment, the one-upmanship, the often complete bullshit, and hilarity provide an oasis of laughter amid a barren wasteland of anger, hostility, and imagined oppression that we know as a job site. My brother Ryan and his friend Tim have compiled a collection of some of those stories for all to enjoy. These are average Joe stories that demand to be heard, and therefore, I DEMAND that you all buy the book. Even if you don’t read it, it is an excellent book to keep in the bathroom in case you run out of toilet paper. I am giving it 4 out of 5 stars, and the only reason I took 1 star away is because the pages aren’t 2-ply.”
3. Cautionary Tales Can Press Flowers Better Than a Lumberjack
If you’re like me, you’ve had the same problem: no way to press flowers.
I would so love to save these flowers forever, but how? If only I could somehow press and dry them! Alas, I have no book. I guess I’ll just pass up this opportunity to save the flowers forever in a flat, dry, hidden shape.
Fix your life! Buy this book and use it to press many flowers. You’ll be surprised at the many ways this will make your entire existence meaningful.
4. Cautionary Tales Can Fix Your Lousy Posture
Why go through life slumped over like a sad sack of slouch? Fix up your bearing with this one simple exercise.
First, get a hard copy of Cautionary Tales. Then, place it on top of your head. Now walk around and don’t let it fall off.
For bonus points, get everyone to take pictures and send them to us. We love to see schmucks do whatever we tell them.
5. It’s a Great Husband Smacker
How can you tune in your Significant male Other with a single arm movement? Cautionary Tales is there for you.
Ladies, forget that water bottle. Your husband or boyfriend doesn’t even flinch any more if you spray him right in the face when he’s been naughty. He’s used to it by now.
Instead, try giving him a couple gently thwacks with this book.
6. Canine Sex Toy
I’m not going to describe it. Some things are better left to the imagination.
7. Rhetoric Decoder
Also hard to describe. You just have to see it inaction for yourself.
Step 1: Get some rhetoric.
Step 2: Filter it through the lens of Cautionary Tales.
Step 3: Enjoy.
8. Octopus Baster
Barbeque season is almost upon us. It’s hard to find a good way to baste a whole octopus, but Cautionary Tales is up to the task!
Or, you could use this Squid Baster instead I guess. But where is the fun in that?
9. Southern Baptist Firewood
Having a little book burning, but running low on useless books with no redeemable qualities?
Searching for printed matter with low moral standards?
Have we got a book for you.
10. Reading Material That Will Make You Laugh
If all else fails, you could try reading Cautionary Tales. It is a book, after all.
I hired a dude on Fivvr to say nice things about it, hoping it would entice you to dive right in. Here’s what he came up with:
Bursting with tons of hilarious tales inspired by the real-life misadventures of the average joe, Cautionary Tales is a wacky short story collection that’s packed with larger-than-life characters and situations almost too ridiculous to be true! Stupidly shameless, sometimes disgusting, and always side-splittingly funny, these tales raise awareness for men’s mental health as they leave you thinking “these can’t possibly be real”.
Join the crew and take your seat around the proverbial campfire as you discover tales of petty revenge and pranks gone wrong, accidents on the job, and plenty of toilet humor.Perfect for anybody who wants to kick back and have a laugh at the everyday insanity faced by the working guys and gals of the trades, Cautionary Tales is a testament to the hard work and dedication of the welders, ironworkers, electricians, labourers, engineers, and all the tradies who keep the world running smoothly.
But where can you find this amazing book with so many uses? Just use one of these links.