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It’s hard keeping little secrets from the wife, and not so bright. But I never said I was smart, just a good looker.
I’m not talking about how I accidentally put her white clothes in the washer with a red shirt and made everything pink. That was no secret.
And I’ve never had an affair or buried a body in the forest, nothing like that.
I mean bad habits, like sneaking a cigarette here or there. Or like the time I smoked a joint in my truck.
I’ll admit, I used to have a problem. I smoked too much of both of those things when we first got together. Linda was worried I was wrecking my lungs and getting too hooked on weed, so I told her I’d give up my smoking ways.
Most of the time, I was a good boy. She always knew when I fell off the wagon, though. So I tried to be sneaky and pull the wool over her eyes. You know how that went.
The Stash
My buddy Eric gave me a joint months before. I was dying to get a buzz on, but I didn’t know when I’d ever get a chance to use it. Married life is great, but togetherness makes it hard to indulge your closet addictions, amiright?
I knew I’d get caught if she was around for sure, so I just stashed it in my truck and waited on it.
Sure enough, my opportunity arose. The wife was goin’ out of town for the night! This was it. I was gonna smoke that doobie right after work in my truck. No smoke around the house to give me away — flawless plan.
I texted her at lunchtime. “Have a great day with your friends in the city! Love you!”
In retrospect, maybe that text made Linda suspicious.
Dry as a Popcorn Fart
I headed home after work, parked the truck, and reached around in my hiding spot. Now, where was that joint?
I pulled it out and realized it was a little dry. Maybe I shoulda used this sooner or put it in a baggy. What was it, nine months?
Oh well. I lit it up and took a drag. The joint was so dry it burned way faster than I thought it would. I smoked that baby down in record time, then had a coughing attack that left me speechless.
It was a long time since I was high. Boy, did it hit me hard. I was a floppy mess. It was glorious.
I went into the house and wandered around a bit, then hit the fridge for a quick snack. As I was grabbing some hot dogs, I heard the door open. What the hell? No one was supposed to be here.
I looked over, mouth open, fridge door open, a package of hot dogs in one hand. It was her.
She stared straight at me with a strange look on her face. Like she was looking at a loser at Walmart who wore his shorts on the outside of his pants.
“What are you, high?” She asked in an accusatory tone.
Linda just took one look, and she knew. She hadn’t even talked to me.
“What do you mean?” I said. “How can you tell that from just one look?”
“Because you’re wearing my glasses!” She smirked.
I took them off my face and looked. Sure enough, Linda’s purple framed girl glasses were what I was wearing. How the hell did that happen? I must've grabbed the wrong ones when I was in the bathroom.
“She walked into the house, shaking her head. “How can you even see anything with those on? We have opposite prescriptions.”
She had a point. She’s farsighted; I’m nearsighted. I was higher than I thought.
You Would Think I’d Learned My Lesson
Quitting smoking is a bitch. I was struggling.
Linda decided she was going to visit her family for a week. I was staying home alone since I couldn’t get the time off work. My willpower wasn’t strong enough to fight the nicotine demons.
I found myself down at the gas station buying a pack of darts.
I was smoking them at night on the deck out the back of the house. But I didn’t want to leave any evidence, so I was putting the butts in an empty pop bottle. The plan was to dispose of it Friday morning in the garbage at work. A failsafe plan. Linda would never know!
Thursday morning, I had a puff before work, and I put the ashtray bottle on the counter by the back door. One more night and back to being a nonsmoker.
Surprise!
I got home from work, and Linda’s car was in the drive. She was a day early.
I went in, trying to keep a smile on my face. I tried not to look toward the back door. Did she see it yet?
“You’re home early!” I said as I kissed her.
“Yeah, I decided to come back tonight, so I could make you your favorite supper. Surprise!” She said with a big smile. The kitchen smelled great. She had a full meal on the go.
As Linda turned and grabbed something from one of the cupboards, I casually grabbed the bottle and turned toward the bedroom. “Well, I gotta go shower. I’m all sweaty from wearing coveralls all day in the plant.”
“Don’t take too long. It’s almost ready,” she said. There was no sign that she knew about the smoking.
Hide the Bottle
I went into the bathroom. I had to hide this somewhere so I could get rid of it later. But where?
I looked around and saw the garbage can. Perfect! Shoving all the used snot-rags, cotton swabs, and tissues out of the way, I put the butts right at the bottom. Then, I jumped in the shower. I was gonna get away with it.
Partway through my shower, I heard Linda open the bathroom door. “Hurry up, honey. Suppers almost on the table,” she called out in a cheerful voice.
I toweled off, threw on some clothes, and went back into the kitchen. I couldn’t believe it. I had that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I get when something goes wrong.
The bottle full of cigarette butts was back on the counter, right where I had it before.
Busted.
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