Introducing Cautionary Tales
These Can't be True Stories, brought to you by Unreliable Narrator
This letter is brought to you by the Unreliable Narrators, Ryan Hanson and Tim Ebl
Stories Collected From Real Tradespeople
Earlier this year, Ryan and I had an idea over some drinks. Why don’t we gather stories from the guys and gals we work with. You know, the kind that you don’t bring up in front of just anyone.
We would collect ‘em up, and write a book. Then, do a fundraiser for men’s mental health in the trades. It’s our way of giving back to the community of hard working pipefitters, welders, boilermakers, ironworkers, electricians, insulators, safety hands, crane operators, laborers, planners, and yes, even engineers.
We started collecting and writing, and editing. The time is almost here! The book will be published by the end of the year.
Without further ado, here is the first story- more to follow!
The Curious Case of The Coyote and The Rock Hard Camp Cookies
Nature vs. nurture vs. construction worker
Disclaimer: The author is not in support of illegal or harmful behavior. Identities and locations have been changed or left out. Truth is optional. Read at your own risk. If you think this story is about you or someone you know, it isn’t. Never feed wildlife! It leads to aggressive encounters and destroys the animal’s normal feeding habits, causing them to suffer in the long run. Please respect wildlife, and definitely never feed them anything you wouldn’t eat!
Working Construction in The Wilderness
When I took the job, I had one question: How’s the work camp?
It’s great, they said. The food is amazing!
They lied.
It was a pipeline gig, 3 hours North of Nowhere, down a bunch of logging roads, way back in the bush. The snow was deep, and the guy driving the truck was super sketchy. I was regretting saying yes the whole way in.
The camp was a tragedy. All the kitchen staff got fired the week before I got there. The campies had been running a big drug and booze operation. I guess the cooks could get you anything you needed. So, needless to say, they turned it from A dry camp to a real wet one, and the parties were getting outa of hand. They fired ’em all.
A fresh batch of kitchen staff showed up, but they had no idea what they were doing.
Then we new-hires get there, and what apparently used to be good food was now the kinda shit no one wants. Like boiled pork chunks and deep-fried hot dogs. They made lasagna with ketchup instead of tomato sauce, and the steaks were like rubber bands.
One night they made hot wings, and they were disgusting. Flavorless and almost tasted like soap. So none of us ate them. The special the next day was hot-wing soup.
So all the guys are only eating mashed potatoes and salad and ice cream for supper, cause everything else in this camp is disgusting. And then one night, the fridge they kept all the open bottles of salad dressing in broke down. The whole thing was warmer than room temperature for about 12 hours before they noticed and moved them to a new fridge.
42 guys got food poisoning the next day.
The lunches were so bad that we had to take three times the food we needed, just so we could pick through it and find something worth eating.
And that's where the coyote came in.
Getting Rid of Our Shitty Lunches
The guys were taking 3 or 4 brown lunch bags full of sandwiches and pastry-type items. There was no fruit, no veggies. So they loaded up extra and then just sorted it out on the pipeline right-of-way. Whatever they didn’t want to eat went out the window of the truck into the bush.
After a few days, a smart coyote followed us everywhere we went, looking for leftovers. We could see him scavenging and loving it.
Soon, the coyote was waiting outside the window at lunchtime. He knew where the groceries were, right? Guys were just tossing him stuff, and he’d eat it right there.
The Coyote Stole Kevin’s Shitpaper
This was a low-budget operation. They didn’t order us any porta-potties. If you needed to take a dump, you wandered into the bush with a roll of paper and did your thing.
One of the dozer operators, Kevin, stopped before the lunch break and vanished behind a hill. A little while later, he came staggering out of the bush with his pants partway down and headed straight for the dozer.
We never thought much of it — Kevin was always clowning around.
The next morning at the tailgate meeting on the Right-Of-Way, Kevin was lookin’ rough. He was stepping foot to foot uncomfortable-like and had a weird look on his face. After the meeting, I grabbed him and asked what was up.
“Listen, you can’t tell anyone about this. That coyote screwed me over.”
“What? How.”
“Well, I had to drop a log in the bush. I trudged out there and put my shitpaper on the ground in front of me and was right in the middle of dropping the children off at the pool. Then that frakin’ coyote ran up and grabbed the toilet paper!
“He ran away with it! I tried to wipe with snow, but I didn’t think I got it all, so I headed back to my dozer and grabbed one-a-those spill pads and finished wiping.”
“You mean the ones for oil spills and stuff? Shit, Kevin, those are made outa fiberglass!”
“Yeah, I know that now. My arse is all scratched up and itchy. I bet it looks like I rubbed with sandpaper!”
Later, of course, I told everyone about Kevin’s fiberglass-ass issues. He didn’t live it down for a few weeks.
The Rock Hard Cookies of Doom
So one day, we all got these cookies, or squares, or whatever you call them, from the camp lunch bagging area. Chocolate chip cookies except made in a pan and cut square. They musta used a band saw to cut them or something, ‘cause you sure couldn’t eat them.
We all tried, but they were rock hard. You could dissolve them in coffee, but that was it. Worst cookies ever.
So these cookies are goin’ out the window, and this poor coyote doesn’t know what to do with them. He’s out there biting ‘em and chewing, and nothing is happening. And he starts swallowing them whole.
That coyote swallowed ‘em all in one piece, about 10 of them. And then he just stood there with a weird look on his face, like he was gonna be sick. Then he limped off into the bush.
The Coyote Never Came Back
At first I thought we killed ‘im, but it turns out we just scared him off. He never came back to our crew. Poisoned by those cookies. We all felt bad.
But we saw him a few days later. The coyote found some other guys farther up the Right-of-Way to beg off of. I bet he was leery of cookies though. They probably came out the back end undigested, still square and rock hard.
The Morals of The Story
Coyotes will eat anything, even if it kills them.
The food makes (or breaks)the camp.
Pooping in the forest in the winter sucks.
Don’t wipe with fiberglass!
Kevin was a weird dude.
Stories like this one is what will be in our book. We will share some of them in this digest over the next couple months. What we want to do is to get the word out there.
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